How to Write a Book in Five Easy Minutes*

Recently I underwent eye surgery to remove a benign growth. It required an anaesthetic to render me unconscious for a period of time. As I slowly came ‘to’ and sensed the surgeon sewing the last of the stitches, I heard myself announce to the operating theatre, ‘I’ve finished my book’.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that my manuscript is taking years to complete. I meander down long editing and therapeutic corridors and still have a way to go. But after brief unconsciousness during surgery, I awoke convinced that in five minutes flat I’d completed my memoir.

For a few brief seconds, I felt the inner glow of achievement. Phew! That was easy. The anaesthetist, who’d held my head in place during the procedure, cautioned me not to move. ‘You just write that book of yours.’ He patted my shoulder sympathetically. In other words: You’re delirious. We’re the ones doing the work around here. You just keep hallucinating until we’re done.

Later, after escorting me by trolley to the recovery ward, the same anaesthetist announced to patients and nurses alike that I’d completed my book. ‘She’s just written a book.’. Even in delirium I could recognise sarcasm. ‘What are you going to call it?’ he asked loudly. I cast about in my numbness. ‘You could call it ‘Dreaming … something, something,’ he continued, pleased with his own freelance editorial service. Or, as they say in Australia about creatures like me who get ahead of themselves, this was code for: ‘Tell her she’s dreaming.’

Nevertheless, for a few glorious moments in my quest for sightedness, I’d experienced that rare writerly feeling of accomplishment. And it had all been so easy.

Now to get back to the hard task of actually doing the work. Establishing the narrative flow.

* With thanks and reference to the film by Bob Raffelson, Five Easy Pieces.